Are You Listening, Rabbi Low by J. P. Donleavy

Author:J. P. Donleavy
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Tags: Fiction
Published: 1987-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

15

Schultz stopped in his wet tracks by a man in a grey overall arriving with a pack of tools to cap the bathroom hot spout. And Schultz assisted by maids and footmen moved to another bedroom. Where louder winds were howling at the castle windows as he bathed in a perfume scented bath. Laid out on his bed, a dinner jacket, silk shirt, evening slippers and a note.

Mr Sunningdale hopes Mr Schultz following his impromptu shower may find these suitable to make use of or come as you are, or indeed as Lord Nectarine describes your being recently rigged in ladies’ Islamic dress.

Schultz at a tall mirror on a staircase landing, making an examination of the almost perfect dinner jacket fit. Embroidered in gold on each foot, an earl’s coronet. Holy jeez. A wonderful feeling to feel like an aristocrat. Everybody beneath you. The only effort you ever have to make is to make people think you ain’t putting on airs. While you have airs flying all over the place. Primitive as it is, I could fall in love with this life. A few crossbows at the various slits, and voom, voom, arrows sent right up my wife’s lawyers’ asses. My only problem being how do I find my way to the armoury.

The leather heels of Schultz’s evening slippers a shade too large, clacking across the front great hall. Where a footman directs him along a flagstone corridor and down stone stairs into a large low ceilinged room. Suits of armour, arrows, bows, spears and swords around the circular walls. Lord Nectarine pensively standing centre of the gleamingly polished black and white tiled floor.

‘Hey your Lordship I’m not going to offer you ten quid for your thoughts again, but you do look like you’re having a fucking deep unfathomable cogitation.’

‘Ah. I was in fact reliving an embarrassing moment of cricket. When once at bat I had tripped backwards and got a wicket up the arse. But do Schultz have a freshly poured glass of champagne. You know, despite your fucking up the plumbing and throwing the entire castle household into a panic, Binky is quite touched that you should have come.’

‘Shit I’m here because I’m escaping. Hey there could be guys’ eyes inside these suits of armour staring out of the slits. The fucking things are surrounding us. This whole place. Every turn I get lost. The stone stairs, the turrets, five foot thick walls. It’s medieval.’

‘In fact a great deal of this castle is pre Christian Schultz.’

‘I don’t want to bring up the wet subject of plumbing but what did they do years ago to wash their faces before they ever got the fucking pipes through this place.’

‘Water men Schultz. Prior to dawn these especially strong men carried water on their backs up through the castle filling the cisterns.’ ‘You mean you could flush toilets. Perfect for your wife’s boyfriend’s invention.’

‘As a matter of fact in those days Schultz they had no need for my wife’s boyfriend’s bloody invention.

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